Jessica Selee's Journey
How our hearts and desires shape our behavior and outcomes
I met Jessica about a year and a half ago in Indiana (she’ll talk more about why she was there in this post). I was so excited when she moved in, in part because I had so few people around me who could understand the balancing act of family and additional pursuits the way she was able to. I had no idea before we started talking that my conversations with her would make me feel seen and understood on my journey in a way that nearly nothing else had. But it turned out that, although the subject matter of many of our conversations was helpful for that point in my life, the person I was talking to was the reason I felt seen and understood. Jessica is a master of listening to understand, articulating thoughts and feelings that deeply resonate with me, listening to spiritual guidance, and counseling with love and compassion. Although our time in the same town was relatively brief, she continues to inspire me to seek to be a better person. And on top of that, she was one of my inspirations for this blog, as talking to her helped me realize both that I needed to be able to record some of my own journey for myself and that others were struggling with the similar questions on their unique paths. Jessica has lifted me in every interaction with her, and it is now my great privilege to introduce her to the rest of you.
The last two years, two topics that have really stood out to me in my studies have been the words desire and heart. Desire often points to an objective whereas the heart often represents a state of being or quality. The object of our desires often shapes the condition of our hearts. But desire is also separate from need. Need indicates a dependence on, while desire reflects something we freely choose and seek independent of pressing demands.
In the context of a relationship, Jennifer Finnlayson-Fife says “If you are too busy needing your spouse, you have very little room to desire them.” In the context of our relationship with God, to love God with all our heart, might, mind and strength likely goes beyond just our daily need to actually our deep desire to know him.
Desires range in quality and aim. For the last two years, I have experimented and pondered this question: What do I desire in my life? At the time, this began as an exploration in advocating for more breaks from the demands of motherhood in a newborn phase. It expanded to acting on my love for continuing education. I received an unmistakable prompting to apply to graduate school. I even moved to West Lafayette to receive a PhD in Family Studies at Purdue. Yet, that tale sounds too polished and magical. It was exciting to everyone I told. They felt they could see the divine hand and fortune of all the stars lining up in our favor. Except on the underbelly, we were wrestling day by day with the spirit on how to move forward with evolving promptings and an unclear path. To say this was anxiety producing would be an understatement.
Our original plan was that my husband, who had just completed his MBA, would look for a job near one of the programs that most interested me. Ideally, there would be an overlap but if not I had every intention of withdrawing my commitment to school. However, my husband had more faith in me than I did and had committed fully to supporting me towards what felt inspired at the time. In reality, the job offer he got as we were driving all of our possessions to Indiana was not as advertised. Yet, we also felt a profound sense of home in Indiana and that we needed to be there. It was the most abundant of times and yet the most scarce temporally we had ever faced as a couple. We were facing week after week of my husband job hunting and the burn out associated with that. I was balancing an assistantship that I might keep if there was a hail mary, but with each week I felt I would have to leave altogether.
As pressure mounted to make a critical decision to commit fully to the PhD program or to retreat by the end of summer, my prayers and fasting became more earnest. As I would fast, I would find myself saying “As hungry as I am, I am hungry to hear you MORE.” And I was. I was so starving for God to come down and just tell me what he wanted me to do. I followed him this far, why did it feel like the answer was no longer obvious? I revisited my study of desire again since it had started me on this journey in the first place. I began to see that not all desires are created equally. In many ways, I desired to run away from the stress of it all. I desired a magic answer to appear and solve it all. But also, I desired to grow my capabilities. I desired to be a mother of influence in family and community. I desired to know God’s character more clearly and how he saw me.
I began to feel prompted to read through the Book of Mormon with two questions in mind: “What is the true character of God?” and “What does he think of me?” Two poignant passages illuminated my perspective to these two questions. First, Nephi’s vision of the tree of life. Second, Nephi’s prayer on the boat after he had been bound for several days.
In Nephi’s vision, he saw a rugged landscape shrouded by darkness that obscured the view and path to the tree of life. Nephi indicates that the tree of life represents the “love of God” (1 Nephi 11:22) and that the Savior and his teachings in the scriptures will lead us to the tree where we can taste of his love. But what stood out to me was the symbolism of the “mists of darkness” (1 Nephi 12:17) and what those mists might be in my life. I realized that the mists of darkness were the temptations from trials and sins to doubt the goodness of God and let go of the Savior. I could see so many experiences in my life where I doubted how a loving Heavenly Father would create such a painfully trying mortal experience. I was so very tempted to think that God was punishing me for my shortcomings by allowing our period of unemployment to go on so long. Understanding with more clarity that it was the design of Satan to cause me to doubt his love, I pushed forward clinging to the scriptures believing that God is someone who knows how to give good gifts to his children. It was like looking into the brewing storm and screaming that I still trusted that there was sunshine on the other side.
At the end of Nephi’s description of the vision, he sees the entire downfall of his people as a result of Laman and Lemuel’s wickedness. He saw the family he loved dearly become “a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations” (1 Nephi 12:23). Ultimately he describes, “I beheld the wrath of God, that it was upon the seed of my brethren” (1 Nephi 13:14). With this vision in mind, I read the experience Nephi had with his brothers while sailing to the promised land differently. While he was tied to a mast and pushed backwards by the winds for four days, he could have become extremely discouraged. Except he “did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long” (1 Nephi 18:16) BEFORE the storm was calmed. I believe he saw LOVE in that rain and wind. He saw the storm as a desperate act of love to reclaim Laman and Lemuel.
1 Nephi 18: 20 And there was nothing save it were the power of God, which threatened them with destruction, could soften their hearts.
Even if it appeared like a punishment, Nephi understood God would pursue and plead with his children to turn to Him. I believe Nephi was able to be patient and thankful in this setback and adversity because he had been given a glimpse of God’s bigger picture. He knew the stakes of his brother’s souls and the nations that would follow. He was on board with doing everything possible to redeem and reclaim his brothers from the paths they were heading down.
To apply these two accounts to the end of our summer in Indiana, I felt like we have been pushed backwards in every way. It felt like everything was falling apart except our reliance on God and the relationships with some of the most Christ-like people we had met. But in the end that was all that mattered. God was in relentless pursuit of us. It was in those intense moments that I came to him in a completely different spirit and intensity. In weight lifting there is a phrase used called “train until failure” meaning that you repeat a particular exercise until you can no longer do another repetition. The accumulation of these “failures” over time lead to an increase in endurance and strength. I felt we had truly FAILED but I also felt strengthened spiritually to see Him.
At the end of the day, we will be rewarded according to the desires of our hearts. I felt a clarity that God had been educating me for a different path, but through the framework of a PhD. All along the way, I kept picking up tidbits of how I would prioritize my relationship with God, my family, and community even with limited time. But really, I needed to implement those changes regardless of my occupation. It felt as if God was sitting me down and looking me in the eyes saying, “I need you to be THIS focused as you are right now on following me if you are going to make it back.” He wanted that level of commitment that I imagined a PhD program would require but in my discipleship and influence as a mother. He had been preparing me to be a better teacher in my own home and a more powerful witness of His love. There was a dramatic shift in how I was able to begin teaching the gospel in my home. I DESIRED God more than I ever had before. I certainly had always needed him, but this was a new hunger and thirst for Him. I hoped the condition of my heart could reflect that love.
At this point, things were still not better in the employment realm. Spiritual high, but a temporal low. I withdrew from my program and we decided to move in with my grandparents who were declining in health until we were able to find something permanent. We didn’t realize we would spend 4 months with them. In those four months, I learned so much. It was a treasured time serving each other. I learned to testify to my children daily about praying for answers from God. We talked about how God doesn’t always answer our prayers right away, but he DOES answer. It provided the most tangible foundation of faith for my children in the power of God.
After a 9 month search (after my husband’s graduation from an MBA program), we found a good job with a great company. Not a location we would have ever planned. The pay and position were humbling as they were not much different than what my husband had been doing before the MBA. But at this point, we were just grateful. Bewildered by the long road. Weary from trying to make sense of it all. Later we would see he had been answering our prayers for the type of employment we were seeking. My husband now says, “God plays chess while we just play checkers.”
Little did we know in the next year, we would lose two babies to miscarriage. I would lose my brother in a motorcycle accident right after the second miscarriage. The next week would be offered a promotion from work that would require a relocation. All the grief sat so heavy on my chest. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the kind people we met in Austin after saying so many goodbyes. The heavens had poured out so much kindness from the people around us, we literally did not have room to receive it. While I felt I was drowning in tears, at times I couldn’t tell if they were grief or an overflow from the love we were shown. So many people we had just met showed up for us in major ways. God’s people are truly consecrated people. The organization of God’s people to minister is overwhelming.
Once again, I learned how to talk more openly and boldly about the plan of salvation with my children. Almost daily, we talked about how each Baby Selee chose their birthday too early and went back to heaven. My kids often reminded me that I would see my brother Josh again because he would be resurrected just like Jesus.
I had planned a family reunion with my siblings before we lost my brother. He died just a week before that reunion would have come to fruition. My already booked flight became a flight to a funeral instead of a reunion. I cannot tell you accurately the weight of having more and more of your close family members pass through the veil. My arms felt so empty. I had two babies I had once hoped to hold. My brother I had expected to embrace. Yet they joined my mom and sister on the other side of the veil. My plans shattered.
Often my mind would wander to John 11:21 where Mary mourns “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” I felt that temptation to believe I could avoid trials if I did all the “right” things. If God had been in my life enough, then maybe things would be different. If I stayed close enough to Jesus, maybe he would spare me the heartache of mortality. Christ has the power to perform miracles, yet he intends for us to mourn. He mourns with us. His relationship with us does not exempt us from the trial, it only promises his companionship. This verse didn’t solve my grief but it gave me a greater measure of patience in the process.
Two months after the loss of my brother, we had already moved to Dallas. My heart felt weary despite the whisperings of the spirit along the way. I felt prompted to pray for a witness of the resurrection. I wept in the temple with questions and a burden on my heart. For the first time in 15 years of grieving my family members, I felt a relief unlike any other. I felt like Christ came and sat next to me. He only shared the promise he shares for all of us, but this time the spirit witnessed it personally to me. It felt as solid and sure as the ground I stand on. He would mourn with me as long as I needed to mourn. But he would turn my tears of grief into tears of joy just as he has turned water into wine. I was focused on an earthly reunion with my siblings, but he had a much bigger and grander reunion in mind. It was as if he snuck into my calendar and pinned a day with certainty in the near future. I was filled with anticipation for that reunion as if I could almost reach out and taste it. I wanted to scream from the rooftops with joy that IT WAS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN! Christ had personally promised me one of the things I desired most. To KNOW that I would see my family again and that he was capable of binding up my broken heart. He was capable of healing my wounds. He was not trying to punish me by allowing mortality to do its work. He was in desperate pursuit of my discipleship and my attention.
If you have made it this far through my ramble, you will know that this process is messy. I don’t understand all things, but I believe he works in mysterious ways. He has used “wrong roads” as frameworks to help me prepare for unforeseen events. To let God prevail in my life, I have had to surrender my pride. He has answered my deepest questions while allowing my family to pass through the most trying of times. To find him, I have had to be willing to go through those desert places. He has been most abundant when I have felt I have lost more than I have to give. He wasn’t lying when he said, we would not have the capacity to receive all the GOOD he has in store. It didn’t come in the form of a perfect ending, but in the abundance of relationships, beauty, and discipleship that we have witnessed through our very imperfect journey. I understand now why I can be grateful for the most challenging of circumstances. I am so grateful that God loves me enough to chasten me and teach me. I treasure how intimately I have come to know Him and His goodness when I was tempted to see Him otherwise before. I know I am still an unfinished product in His hands, but my trust in his kindness has been deepened. I look forward to knowing Him more each day until He comes again.
I believe that whatever you desire and truly seek with your heart will be rewarded to you. It will likely take every ounce of courage you have but I also believe anything of lasting worth will.
Here is a link to He Binds Up The Broken-hearted by Paige Payne Creations, which embodies this story beautifully.