My Journey (Part 1)

I had the best of intentions when I started this at the beginning of the year, particularly since I had been thinking about doing it for many months before. Shortly after that first post, we accepted a job offer for my husband in Nevada. That started a whirlwind of events, including selling a house, buying another (remotely), moving across the country (with a two-year-old and a three-month-old), fixing up the new house, and learning how to be a stay-at-home mom (and believe me, there was a steep learning curve). As a result, everything else got put on hold for awhile, including this. However, I have continued to think about it and finally realized (again) that momentum will mean more than perfection. I anticipate a lot of imperfection, actually, just so we all start off on the right foot for expectations. So, here we are, nearly six months later–moving forward, with the right pace at the right time. Which should probably be a theme of this Substack anyway.

A large part of the motivation behind this blog is to share stories from faithful women who are seeking to serve God, their families, and their communities, as we are each guided on different paths in our journeys back to our Father in Heaven. I’m going to start by describing my story in Part 1. Part 2 (to come) will focus more on some of the internal struggles I faced and why I wanted to start this blog.

As a preface, some of what follows is also written in a Facebook post I made recently, so if you happen to have seen that already, some of this will be repetition.

I was raised by two incredible parents who encouraged me in my educational pursuits without placing any undue pressure on me to excel or go into any particular vocation. I personally never remember thinking (and certainly not having one of my parents tell me) that I couldn’t do something because I was a girl. Yet, at the same time, my mother had chosen to be a stay-at-home mom, as had my grandmothers and many of the women around me growing up. As a result, even in elementary school I remember trying to choose between dressing up as a doctor or as a stay-at-home mom for a career day event we had at school.

As I grew older and considered careers, I was frequently torn between what I could see around me in the Church as far as outside-the-home employment (mostly not much, particularly for those with young children at home) and a desire to achieve things. At school and in the world I was often surrounded by messages about the need for women to excel in the workforce to achieve gender parity and lift women up from oppression. I wouldn’t exactly consider myself a staunch feminist or anything but in terms of academics I was certain that I could do anything as well as a man. Math and science came pretty easily for me and I enjoyed them, and as a result I gravitated towards those subjects. In the process, I heard even more messages about the need for more women in science, technology, engineering, and math (STEM) and how crucial it is to recruit and retain women in STEM fields. If I’m being honest, that was probably extra motivation to keep my own focus there as I think it kind of made me feel special. 

I chose to major in chemical engineering, all the while thinking about what that would look like as far as having a career and family. I talked to fellow female students who were tentatively planning on part-time jobs. I knew some students who planned on working for a few years till they had kids and then stopping after that. I talked to some who planned to work full careers. I went to at least one seminar where a female alumni shared her experience as a full-time working mother and how she had succeeded in that path. And all the while I wondered what I would do, but decided to cross that bridge when I came to it. Since I graduated without getting married, I just continued seeking the next step in my career and education.

I never had fellow students or any of my professors imply that I couldn’t or shouldn’t work with a family (or without one for that matter). Personally (and I realize that my experience is not the case for all women in STEM), I don't remember any kind of gender-based discrimination or any other kind of sexism during my undergrad, from students or others. And yet at the same time, the only tenure-track female faculty member in my department was hired just before I graduated. What you see in the present influences what you envision for yourself in the future, even if it doesn't dictate it. This situation contributed a bit to the cognitive dissonance I felt like I was experiencing. 

Since I did want to get married and have children, it was sometimes hard being single while so many of my friends and peers got married. In hindsight I'm sure that part of the reason I didn't get married earlier was because I personally wasn't ready yet; I had some growing I needed to do. But I think there may have been additional reasons too. There were a few times when I felt specifically needed to minister to an individual (not necessarily by assignment either) who I likely wouldn't have met or couldn't have served as well if I had been married. I have also wondered if perhaps the next steps in my particular journey would have been less likely or more difficult had I gotten married earlier.

I started to apply for grad schools right as I was graduating in December 2017, motivated by finding a research topic I was passionate about. Around the same time, I also received a job offer with a company I had interned at previously. The pay would have been pretty good and I already knew and liked the people who would have been my coworkers. It was a very difficult decision and I can't say for sure why I turned that job down, as I hadn't yet heard back from any grad schools. But when I finally did choose to turn it down, I was completely at peace with the decision. 

In early 2018, I had been accepted to 5 graduate programs and visited them all. After some contemplation, I eliminated three of them fairly readily. That brought me down to two, between which I had a lot of trouble choosing. I prayed and pondered and struggled with that choice, and finally the answer that came from my Heavenly Father was that He would sustain my choice, and left it up to me. That was frankly not the answer that I wanted--it would have been way simpler if He just told me which to do--but I tried to be grateful for the trust and for the feeling of peace it brought and moved forward with my choice to attend Purdue. 

Fast forward to August, where I moved across the country to a place where I knew no one and with a very nebulous way forward in my research. I had received a fellowship, for which I was very grateful, and therefore was not coming to start any particular research project--which was kind of terrifying. In addition to the loneliness I faced during that first semester, with my lack of clear research goals I was frequently worried that I'd made the wrong choice and that I was in way over my head. My amazing roommate, who was also far from home and in graduate school, really helped me with both of those things. A few weeks into the semester, I received a call to be the Relief Society president in my ward. Due to many previous experiences, it wasn't hard to accept that calling, as I knew that my Heavenly Father would make both the calling and school possible. With some very fortuitous timing, I found a research project that became my thesis (working with a company who ultimately decided to go another direction, which means I got started on the project with just enough time to get samples from them to move forward). I also received a lot of support from my advisor and other colleagues in applying for a National Science Foundation (NSF) fellowship. In early 2019, I started dating my future husband. In March, my family was in town for their Spring Break, making it very tempting to just spend the whole week with them. But I had a feeling I should attend our department's graduate industrial research symposium long enough to present a poster, which I did. That was one of the first steps I had in meeting the company who would eventually partner with me on my PhD research. A few months later, I found out that I had received the NSF graduate research fellowship, which would fund my salary for three years of my PhD. Before that point, I had been seriously considering leaving after my Master's degree, as the length of school afterwards was feeling very daunting. Receiving the fellowship felt like a bit of a mixed blessing. On the one hand, it felt a bit like a sign that I should continue my PhD. However, by that point my relationship had developed to the point that I was also willing to give up the PhD in order to make a life together easier as Riley would graduate long before I would. (I will also freely admit that at this point I had never been completely convinced a PhD was what I wanted, so I was having my own doubts anyway.) He insisted that he would stay and wait for me to finish if I decided to do so. Several months later, we got married. 

In late 2019/early 2020, the company I had been discussing a partnership with requested an experiment that would probably not be all that helpful with my own research, but would be a good learning opportunity and a great opportunity for me to build further connections with them. We were able to finish that experiment right before the shut-down with COVID-19. I was able to spend the first several months of that finishing my Master's thesis, graduating with my Master's degree, and starting on my PhD work. In August of 2020, my husband and I were called as early-morning seminary teachers, teaching a one hour class about the scriptures to high school freshmen every school day starting st 6 am. As rewarding as that calling was, it was also easily among the most difficult and time-consuming callings I have ever had, particularly as class during that year was partly online and partly in-person. I also became pregnant with my first daughter in March of 2021, just as I was starting the first major experiment for my PhD (which was immensely time-consuming), we were in the midst of seminary teaching, I was re-applying for a grant to fund more of my research, and my husband was finishing his dissertation. We managed to finish the year, I received the grant and finished that first experiment, and my husband graduated with his PhD. 

That fall (2021), we seriously considered requesting to be released from our callings as seminary teachers, as I would be giving birth in November. However, we decided to wait until we knew for sure it wouldn't be possible to continue, and we proceeded with our second year of seminary, while my husband started a new job, one which was not ideal for his own career but would keep him in Indiana with me. Although I had been wrestling with the question for awhile, it was during this semester in particular that my uncertainty about finishing my PhD really came to a head. I was conducting another experiment (which, like the first, was immensely time-consuming and stressful) and teaching seminary while expecting a baby, and was expecting at least two more years before I could graduate. I wondered deeply not whether or not I could finish, but whether or not it was the right thing for my family to do so. Actually, there was also some wondering about whether I could finish too. It is impossible to concisely describe the struggle I experienced– emotional, spiritual, and psychological-- with that question. I felt like there were so many conflicting voices around me, most of them well-meaning, about what would be best. I worried deeply about how we would handle childcare for my daughter, and what kind of impact that would have on her. But at the same time, I had just received that grant, still had two more years left of an excellent fellowship, and had a good start in my research, all of which felt like huge blessings and even signs that I should continue. In October, it felt more urgent than ever before, but I still didn't feel like I was receiving a clear answer from heaven for how to move forward. At one point I told my Heavenly Father that I was willing to give it all up and walk away completely from my research and funding if that was what was right. I then felt prompted to say that I was also willing to buckle down and finish and stop complaining/asking about it if that was right. I didn't exactly get a clear answer at that moment, but from that point on I experienced peace that I hadn't been able to find before. During the next month, it became evident, almost like a gradual sunrise, that I should finish. Further wrestles about what to do after graduation would come later, but never again did I seriously consider dropping out. I finished that second experiment just a few weeks before my daughter's birth. My teachers for the two classes I was in that semester were extremely supportive and made it possible for me to finish the majority of my work before the birth occurred. Even though my husband didn't get paternity leave, the timing of the birth right before Thanksgiving (and soon before Christmas) worked out perfectly for him to be around, and my Mom also dropped everything for a week to help during that most difficult first week.  We had substitute seminary teachers step in for the last few weeks of the semester (one of them taught with only about 5 hours of warning and had prepared in advance just in case). I cannot adequately express the joy that our oldest daughter has brought into our lives. She is a miracle, and even with all the challenges she has brought with her, I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever about having her when we did, and knowing what I do now would make the same choice all over again. 

Figuring out the best childcare situation was a huge challenge for those first several months: we went through two iterations of nannies as we waited to get into a daycare, both of which were exactly what we needed at the time. We had a niece visit for a few weeks to supplement care while I started one final experiment over the summer. My husband managed to take care of our daughter (with nanny help) for several days on two different occasions as I went to a few conferences I committed to attending as part of my grant. And finally, in August we were (miraculously) able to get into a daycare despite the massive waitlists since this one had just opened (for reference, it took another 6+ months after that before one of the others we were on a waitlist for called us back). This allowed us more time together as a family (to afford the nannies, my husband and I had staggered our work schedules so that I was with our daughter in the morning and he was with her in the evening), and was exactly what our daughter needed as well. She thrived in her daycare and loved her friends and teachers, although even at the end she didn’t love saying goodbye in the morning. We taught another year of seminary, this time entirely virtual. As before, one of us would take care of our daughter (who usually liked to get up just before or during seminary anyway) while the other taught, but this time we were both able to attend every day, in contrast to the second semester of the previous year where one of us stayed home instead. This was very helpful for continuity in the classroom. 

We were released as seminary teachers in May 2023, and the final push to finishing my dissertation began. Although I had wanted to graduate in August, things didn't progress quite as fast as I hoped, but I was able to receive one final semester of fellowship funding to finish writing my dissertation.  Although it hadn't been my original plan, that fellowship allowed me a much less stressful summer and final semester and much cheaper health insurance during my second pregnancy, both of which were huge blessings. With a few hiccups, I was finally able to schedule my dissertation defense for the end of October, well before our second daughter was due. I was also able to deposit my dissertation a few weeks ahead of my daughter's birth, which allowed me a few weeks of (mostly) one-on-one time with our first daughter after we pulled her from daycare and before her sister joined us, which was a great blessing.

Since then, I’ve been trying to embrace the stay-at-home mom life (I’m sure I’ll write more about this another time, but quite to be brief here, I consider this one of the most difficult jobs I’ve ever had–and I haven’t exactly been a slouch), moving across the country, and learning how to parent two children. While I still don’t know what the future holds, and despite the occasional (or frequent) very difficult day, I am fully at peace with my current decision to focus on my children by staying at home with them. I am actively looking for part-time jobs that would be relevant to a potential future career, but I have no regrets about stepping away from full-time employment for the time being.

I couldn't have gotten to this point without God's guidance and immense assistance, and quite frankly, I almost certainly wouldn't have. The only way I could do this and the only reason I made it all the way through is because I decided at every (major) step of the way that I could trust my Heavenly Father to help me with it, and that He was guiding me in my journey. 

I had someone ask me awhile ago if I knew why I was prompted to pursue a PhD. And the answer then, as now, is actually no. I don't. I still don't, even though I have graduated. I hope I figure it out someday, but this was one of those things that I had to do at least partially on faith. I do have some ideas of why it was valuable (that will be another post), but what I really have (and had) is a feeling of peace that this was the right path.

So how does all of this tie together? Why did I include so much detail in my personal story? The short version is that many of these major choices in my life later had big impacts on future opportunities, many of which I would not have anticipated earlier. I won’t go into a lot of depth with all the different connections with this post (it’s already way, way, way too long), but here’s one example. As a freshman in college, I was called as one of the Relief Society presidents in my ward. That felt like a really big deal at the time, but that experience contributed to my testimony of God’s ability to make anything possible, and helped me accept later callings that would have otherwise been daunting. Those included my calling as Relief Society president in my first semester as a graduate student (which probably didn’t cause but may have facilitated how well I got to know and my desire to start dating Riley) and teaching seminary for three years. Almost the entire time I was a seminary teacher, I mostly only made it through due to a deep love for God and a desire to serve Him in whatever way He asked. However, in retrospect I recognize that it gave me amazing teaching experience, and would greatly enhance my ability in any future teaching jobs I might seek.

I've had a few people say to me that they are so impressed by me getting a PhD with a child because they couldn't do it, or something similar. As I've thought about these comments, it occurred to me that I have an answer for them: "You've followed God's promptings for your life before. You've been blessed by His assistance to do what you couldn't do yourself. The path He has guided me on may be different from your path in its specifics, but it is absolutely the same in terms of essentials." Honestly, I'm really kind of a coward, a play-it-safe, go very carefully, don't overextend yourself kind of a person. I didn't do this because I have a huge ambition, great personal drive, and a deep love of science--most of each of those that I had in the first place got used up a long time ago (although I usually still continue to love science). I couldn't do this because I was brilliant, talented, or self-confident--while I have some minor quibbles with using the first two words to describe myself, I have some major issues with the last one. Some of any of the above may have been helpful at different points, but all of them failed at most other points. Don't get me wrong, I do care about my research, and there were certainly times when I did want a PhD. But there were a lot of other times when those things were simply not enough for me to make it through with everything else happening in my life.

I'll conclude this excessively long story with just one quote, which came at a particularly low point during my final semester: "I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led" (1 Nephi 17:13) If I know one thing, it's this: in my current promised land, and in every one that will ever come hereafter, He was my light, He prepared my way, and it was by Him I was led.